It’s hard to believe it has already been a month since you left us. Feels like it was just last week we were all by your bedside; singing to your favourite Carpenters tunes, feeding you meal after meal, stroking your hands reminding you we’re around, staying up all night with you when you just couldn’t sleep as a result of steroid doses.
When Dad called me that night you slipped into a critical condition, I froze in utter fear. I wasn’t prepared at all. Not now, not this early; was the only thing I had in my mind. I booked the first flight out of Melbourne the next morning as Dad flew to KL that night itself.
It was the worst flight I have ever had in my entire life. Eight whole hours of pure agony; completely cut off from the outside world while all the while knowing that you might leave anytime, anytime at all. I prayed, and prayed hard, if only you could hold on.
I kept revisiting the day I left KL. You were lying down, with a blanket of needles on your body as you were scheduled for acupuncture that morning as part of the traditional Chinese medicine treatment you held on so dearly in hope when Western oncologists waved the white flag on the relentless progress of cancer in your body.
Uncle was waiting outside the hospital with my luggage all loaded into his car. I held your hand and gave you an awkward hug all the while trying not to bend any needles. I gave you a long, hard look knowing it would be another six months before I’d see you again. I couldn’t remember what we said, but that motherly smile you gave stuck in my head all throughout.
I walked out of the hospital doors with a heavy heart, towards uncle waiting in his car. Little did I know my two-week stay with you in the traditional Chinese medicine hospital would be one of my last memories with you. “Don’t worry about mom,” uncle told me on the way to the airport, “Live every moment while you’re there in Australia. Your mom would’ve wanted that.” Every inch of me thought six months would just come and go, and then we’d be reunited again. I was so sure of it.
–
Eight hours did go by, and soon I found myself running past doctors and nurses, hospital beds and wards, stopping short just before the door to your ward in Palliative Care.
You were all smiles when I walked in. I clasped your hand in mine, while immediately noticing the tubes attached to you and your swollen right arm as a result of the upper arm fracture you suffered from the fall you had back in the traditional Chinese medicine hospital. My heart sank.
I remember just saying, “Ma.” I know you’d recognise me, but you were hardly able to speak. Neither was I, for your motherly gaze and that smile you wore was more than enough to sent me choking with emotion, tears, and a lost for words.
You were both attentive and alert, and had the complexion of a perfectly healthy person. How you managed to pull through the night before; cold, lifeless and gasping for air, only God and his grace knew. But the next few days we spent together in the ward with you as a family, dad, sister and I, was one of the most fulfilling periods in my life.
I’m sure you’d already know this, but we have the most amazing relatives around. Your sisters, despite their hectic office hours, braved through the notorious KL traffic to visit you every single day. So did cousins and grandparents who frequently tagged along whenever they could. Every day without fail, your ward would be filled with friends and relatives as we decorated the windows and walls with origami cranes and hearts, filling the room with love, songs, laughter and happiness all the while trying to keep that lovely smile on your face, which really wasn’t hard to maintain at all. And all these simply wasn’t possible without such warm and touching family ties.
“This room is full of love,” Dr. Tan would say as he concluded his morning check-up on you, looking around at all the hearts and cranes on the walls he continued, “Can you share some with me? I lack of love.”
Due to your brain condition and lack of energy for speech, you were slow and remained mostly quiet — in speech. But one of my fondest memories of you during those days with you was the little nods and expressions you’d make whenever we’d try to communicate or ask you something. There were times you’d mutter hilarious single-replies that sent everyone in the ward into laughing fits. You’d greet every visitor with that generous smile of yours and even occasionally with a soft “Hello.” whenever you felt a little better.
Mom, such positively is what you instill in others without much effort, even when you’re the one who is bedridden. Your spirit and willpower is without a doubt, the strongest in anyone I know. No one I know has the capacity to pull through six years of such a damaging disease without a single complaint. But you did.
–
When doctors took you off steroids later that week, you fell into a deep, serene sleep. That night, aunt celebrated her birthday with all of us in the ward in front of you. Everyone was there, grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins and all. You were so tired you slept through the whole party. Photos of aunt cutting her cake with you sleeping away in the background still bring tears to eyes to this day.
You never really did wake up. We never really found out how conscious were you. You did manage a sip or two of milk the next morning with your eyes closed. But you looked so serene sleeping away all day and night we felt it was bad to wake you up.
You were deep asleep when you took your last breath.
It took awhile for us to notice something was amiss as you spat out water you failed to sip on. We started calling out to you, shaking frantically for you to wake up.
I ran out to the nurse’s station, choking with tears and disbelief, stammering at a bunch of nurses, “My mother. Breathing.”, I swallowed hard, “Stopped breathing. Please, come!”
–
It was the 9th of April. And we were all by your side.
With six years of cancer under your belt, it was a miracle you were in little or no pain at all.
Your wake was unlike any other. Not that I have attended one before, but close friends of yours came up to us saying there was definitely a joyous air surrounding the otherwise solemn aura of funeral parlours. “I wouldn’t worry about your Mum now,” Aunty Gui Li told me and Shuyi, with a slight smile as she gazed towards you.
It was like a grand finale of a theater play; where all the cast make a grand reappearance on stage and when we’d feel a tinge of sadness upon knowing that the show has come to end.
Characters of the stories you have been telling us of your childhood; your adventures with high school friends, of your popularity among boys in school, all showed up in real life. People we’ve never met before walked up to sister and I, “I sat beside your mother way back when we were in Primary One,” a former classmate of yours would tell us, “You should know that she was an amazing friend to me.”
–
Mom, Melbourne’s such a lovely place. I wish you could see the things I see, go to the places I’ve been. It’s a whole new world out here, and I’ve opened my eyes to a lot of things. I had been looking forward to you coming, wishing I’d be able to show you just how beautiful Melbourne is. But that’s okay, Dad and sis will still be coming over after my finals and I’m sure they’ll very much enjoy their time here.
Dad’s at the height of his career. His efforts in his field are starting to garner attention throughout the country. Something I’m surprised that it hadn’t happened sooner, given how dedicated and meticulous of a man he is. You know him better, Mom. After all, you’re the one who chose him.
Shuyi’s doing great, too. She’ll be doing her A-Levels really soon and frankly, nobody’s worried about her given her track record in academic success. I see a lot of you in her, Mom. And and that only means she’ll be shaping up into a fine young woman by the time she completes her studies in the UK.
Don’t worry about us, Mom. As you can see, we’re coping fine. We take comfort knowing that death is just the end of one life, but the beginning of another; a beginning of something more.
Sometimes we’d grief or cry, but that’s just us trying to adapt to that void; little things we’d come across on a daily basis that inadvertently leads us to be reminded of you. You were, after all, our mother. And there’s no denying a mother’s place in a child’s heart.
But Mom, though you are no longer with us, your spirit and legacy will live on.
Happy Mother’s Day, Ma.
It’s touching… T___T
I’m sure your mom will proud of u 🙂
you know, we used to call you han di di. But when I saw you and heard your story the other day, I realized you were so much more mature than most of us. I couldn’t imagine myself being in your shoes. I’m sure your mum is very proud of you.
Take good care of yourself and all the best in your studies, and enjoy your life, of course. Hope to see you soon in near future. 🙂
Thank you for coming over that day, wying. Really means a lot.
Well don’t say I’ve never tried to stop you guys from calling me that, haha! But I definitely wouldn’t say I’m more mature. It’s just part of life. We all have different hardships to face, I’m sure you have yours.
For you to make such an effort to attend my mother’s wake when it was so hard to get to for you; showed maturity in you that I wouldn’t even have matched. =)
一天的妈妈,一辈子的关系。经历这样的事,你长大了。她在父那里会感到欣慰的。加油!在那里一切顺利。
Thank you, Michelle! It takes me to experience it myself to really look up to people like you who lost their mothers at such an early age. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you. Thank you for the words of encouragement. All the best to you too!
Condolences ember, been really long since I last saw you, didn’t know that your mom left 2 days after my dad…
Hope you are doing fine!
I’m so sorry to hear that, kiam. Sorry I didn’t know about your dad. My condolences to you and your family too. I hope you’re coping fine.
I’m doing student exchange in Melbourne now. Should really catch up with you when I return to Kuching by August!
My dear friend,
You mom would be very proud of you, do continue to make her proud and to be the greatest person you mom has ever seen 🙂
May you continue her legacy and her love, her smile and her memories will always be in your hearts.
You know you can! Ganbate!
Regards,
Kendrick
Thank you, Kendrick. You’ve been a great friend to talk to now and then, and especially when I have something to share about my mom. Thank you for being there! =)
This is the loveliest mother’s day message i read, Sheng Han! I know your mom and what you said about her is so true. She’s brave n cheerful all time throughout.…. You made me shed tear every time i read this. We all miss your mom. We miss her cheerful voices and gentle smiles around. I believe she is with us and is watching over all the activities down here. My family n I would like to wish your mom a “very happy mother’s day” too!
Thank you Aunt Kim! Thank you for being such a caring and supportive friend of her. I’m sure she wouldn’t be who she was if it wasn’t for your love and support and also those of all those in the centre. Thank you!
I like your statement :
“We’re coping fine. We take comfort knowing that death is just the end of one life, but the beginning of another; a beginning of something more…“
Do cry if you feel you need to, the tears will bring you more energy.
Do share more if you can, your story can help a lot of families.
Thank you, Yee zhang! Words can’t express my gratitude to you and Ah Yi and all our relatives for being so caring and supportive. We are truly blessed to have such wonderful relatives. Thank you! I’ll definitely try to share what I can with others.
I’m proud of you to able to share this.. It brings tears to my eyes too. Mum has indeed touched us in more ways that can be imagined. Her legacy lives on in us all.
Words like this bypass the brain and go straight to the heart. I have put the link on my other FB for my students to read as well as my dept. FB. Aunty Kimberley put it on her wall. Uncle Lin shared it with his 2 boys. U have indeed touched hearts with this message. Mom must be smiling now…
Thank you Dad! You have no idea how hard it was to write this. I spent a few days penning it trying to revisit the days a month ago. I wrote a much longer version on my laptop but later trimmed and adapted it for this post. There are still so many things left unsaid, both here and to mummy.
Shen hang, thanks for sharing this. It brings tears to my eyes and I will share this with my other friends and family. Hope they will learn from you and your family. Your mum is lucky to have you as a son, I’m sure she’s proud of you and Shuyi. She is free now — no more sufferings or pains and best of all, she is closer to Su God than any one of us. Hope you continue to be the person you are and study hard. We all wish that your mum will have a ‘Fantastic Mothers Day’ where ever she is.
Thank you! Really means a lot when people can relate to my mother’s story. Yes! My mom’s definitely in a better place now, definitely closer to God!
You always write so well!! You couldn’t have said all these better. :’)
She has always loved your works and has always been very proud of you you know.. I wish i could say “mummy see what kor wrote about you!” But i am sure she has read it already and she must be so happy, i’m sure. ♥
Haha, I can so picture you saying that. Well yeah, this only touches the tip of the iceberg of the things I’d tell her. By the way, I think your wardrobe’s other door could use another print-out stickied onto it hehe.
Indeed her legacy lives on. I’m happy to see all of you, each family members staying strong through all these. I’m very sure your mum is proud of both u and shuyi 🙂 She’s is good hand i believe.
She is! Thank you Angelina. I’m totally envious of my sister for having such wonderful friends. Thank you for being there for her.
So touching~~Your mum will proud of u
God bless u all~~
Wei Han showed me your blog just now and he said I would certainly cry when I read this, as he did break into tears. The parts I felt most touching was towards the end, when you were mentioning about your dad & your sister, as I felt you have learned to extend your love & care to others. As what Uncle Fulin said — do share your stories as it will help a lot of other people,..that’s the power of sharing…
well done! 我愛你!
Thank you, Ah yi! I’ve really learnt a lot from you all this trip back despite everything that has happened. It’s not hard to see where a large part of my mother’s strength came from, from such a loving family of hers. Thank you so much! I love you too!
Ember. Thank you for sharing this as I’m sure it may not have been the easiest thing to do… I am in tears right now. I, too, lost my mom to cancer. It’s been eight years but it only feels like yesterday that she was here cracking jokes & being her wonderful self. The picture of your mother reminded me so much of my mom… her sweet subtle smile & those plump cheeks. I love it.
I am so very proud of you — you have no idea. I admire that you’ve taken something positive from your mother’s passing. It’s not hard to do — trust me. I’ve witnessed family members drown in agony & fall into depression. But… well, you said it best.. “We take comfort knowing that death is just the end of one life, but the beginning of another; a beginning of something more.” You could not speak more truth than that. You will amaze yourself over the years with a mindset like that. Continue to make purpose of her life & even her death. There is always joy in sadness… and life in death, I say.
Again, I’m very proud of you. And thank you again for sharing this… I keep a journal that I write letters to my mother… I have not written in it in a long, long while… but this blog entry of yours has inspired me to start back. It’s therapeutic & in a way — it keeps my mother & I close. So thank you!
I am, though, extremely sorry Ember… I was not even aware your mother was ill. You & your family are definitely in my thoughts. <3 I may be miles & miles away but if you need anything at all, let me know. <3
Thank you, Latrina. I’m sorry to hear that you lost your mom to cancer too. I think I remember you writing about it. I didn’t understand how it was to lose someone so dear then, but I do now.
You are absolutely right, Latrina, that there is joy in sadness and life in death. My mom had such a beautiful passing it wasn’t hard to be grateful for it. The last few days we’ve had with her and everything that happened even after her passing was so beautiful. From our extremely loving relatives to dear friends of hers, was where we really witnessed joy, in sadness.
I definitely felt a certain closeness when I penned this blog post too! It really warms my heart that you’ve been writing letters to your mom. What a sweet thing to do. I should really start this practice too.
Please don’t be sorry about not knowing about my mother’s condition. I’ll take full blame for that. You couldn’t have known for I have never mentioned it in my blog or facebook or anywhere else. But thank you for your words of encouragement! Really appreciate it.
Please take care!
My condolences to you and your family.
I’m so sorry for your loss Sheng Han. Please take care, and draw strength from all who are thinking of you and your family, in your time of need.
/sends love from Singapore,
Ced
@Kim Hang, thank you!
@mario64, thank you!
@Cedric, thank you. Really appreciate your encouragement.
My condolences bro =( May her soul rest in peace. Amen.
Thank you, Cyril.
止不住眼泪,原来你们如同彩云一样坚强勇敢。声瀚,彩云看见你coping fine,她一定笑得灿烂。
Sheng Han, i am proud of you … i keep reading this blog again and again …even could not ever to control my tears …I be sure your mom is reading and felt proud of u too ..anyway do take care in melb k …and hope u enjoy over there too …all the best to u 🙂 hugs
Thank you Caren — both for your comment and for your efforts visiting my mom while she was in the hospital. You’ve definitely made a mark in my mother’s life when she was still around. Thank you so much! Keep being an inspiring youth you are and all the best to you too! Take care.
i cant imagine what is the feeling if this happened to me…i wish that day never comes… : (
Touching article!
It made me cherish my family!
thanks for the sharing!
My mum passed away because of cancer as well, and I was shocked too when I saw the news in your Facebook. You might not know me, and I don’t know what to say as well. Just wish you and your family to stay strong. 🙂
You are a great son, she must be proud of you.
really inspiring piece ShengHan. you’re so brave.
i didn’t know you BLOG! 😀
I cried reading this, please be strong. I wish I could spend more quality time with my parents, but like you, I am overseas and can’t do much about it. Cherishing my parents with a phone call is all I can do 🙁
Hey bro… it seems like it was only yesterday we were checking out your legos and microscope at your place while our moms are still downstairs revising studies, and also the 1st time I saw people who were delighted eating the bitter minty “Lui Cha”. You had a great mom. Even though she’s physically gone, a part of her is living within you guys. (trust me, at times you’ll do/think/act like her did) 🙂 She’s never apart. Peace out.